Snake in the Yard

From Great North Road

by Brian Mulenga

I am sure most of you came across a snake in the yard or even in your house.

Well one of the most hilarious incidents in my life involved a snake.

I had gone to Kabwe (Broken Hill for the oldies) for my school holidays. I was staying with my uncle who was a Major in the Zambia National Service.

My uncle was a very down to earth and practical man. He had worked his way from being a bricklayer with Standard 4 education to being a commissioned officer managing several large construction projects. He had joined the Army as a craftsman, but had studied hard at night school and by correspondence and had passed his O Levels and had passed several City and Guilds exams.

He then embarked on a degree course by correspondence. I am not sure whether he finished the degree but I remember the mathematics really giving him a hard time. My uncle was a determined and extremely stubborn man.

As we were playing in the yard of his house one day, we saw a large snake. The snake scared by the commotion and large crowd that gathered slid into a sewer for refuge.

Uncle showed up and immediately took charge. "It's in the sewer ? " he asked. "Yes," we chorused. He immediately took two 5 gallon jerrycans from the pantry and filled them with petrol. He sent someone else to get fill another jerrycan full of paraffin.

My aunt asked him "What are you doing ?" "I am burning the bastard out" he replied. Uncle had spent a six moth attachment with the REME in England and had picked up a colourful vocabulary from the British squaddies. His favourite expression included sh*t, f*ck and other tit bits of the more unsavoury lexicon of the typical British soldier.

He proceeded to pour a huge amount of petrol into the drain. As this was going on, my aunt ushered us the little ones at least 20-30 metres away. She knew better than to argue with Uncle when he had set out to do something.

The air was thick with pertol fumes and uncle now dumped paraffin into the sewer. He then soaked a hemp rope in paraffin and dipped it into the sewer to make a crude fuse. He then dipped one end of paraffin soaked rope into the sewer and and walked what was to him a safe distance, then lit the rope.

The result was calamitous. The heavy metal sewer cover was sent soaring into the air. A geyser of sewer water and water shot up and splashed everythinbg in a 5 meter radius. The sewer cover shot straight up in the air and came back down in the sewer with an almighty clang.

My uncle and his gallant aides were not unscathed. Charles, my cousin, was sent flying into the fence and broke a thumb. Emmanuel somehow contrived to fall into the sewer. Uncle was covered in a dark brown evil smelling muck.

The windows of the house were shattered and all the neighbours were either running away from the area as fast as they could or were so stunned they did not leave their homes.

An ambulance came to the scene to take away the accident victims. However the medics inisited on hosing them down first as they were covered in a brown sludge and they stank horribly.

The scenes at the hospital were just as hilarious, the victims were dunked in an old rusty bath tub and lathered from head to toe in strong carbolic soap before anyone would touch him.

They were then jabbed for every conceivable disease. Apparently anyone covered by sewer muck was a living reservoir of a multitudes of diseases.

Emmanuel who actually fell in the sewer suffered worst. His skin was burnt by the sewer slime and he had actually swallowed some of the crud. He stayed in the hospital longer than his fellow victims.

As for my uncle, auntie could finally get in a word edgewise. If he argued with her about something, she invariably reminded him about the sewer fiasco and his lack of judgement in that respect.

One good thing did come out of sewer episode. The front lawn blossomed and became a lush green due to the impromptu watering and fertilisation. As for the snake, we never did find out whether it was killed or not. If it did escape, I am sure it gave my uncle's yard a wide berth thereafter.

Contributed by Brian Mulenga.

October 2001